


Quiet Moments

by naturalchaos



Category: Killjoys (TV)
Genre: Angst, Dutch has feelings, Gen, Here there be spoilers for s5, No ships just dutch being emo, The lady is a bitch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 05:48:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20304454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naturalchaos/pseuds/naturalchaos
Summary: Dutch remembers her son.





	Quiet Moments

**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot of emotions about this season, so I decided to give you all some emotions in retaliation. You're welcome.

She tries so hard not to think of it. 

There are other, more pressing issues at the moment. Like a war with the Lady and all of Westerly being terraformed. And that...problem with Johnny (which actually now that you mention it makes it 10 times worse). And the fact they were currently prisoners in a supermax space prison in which just about everyone wanted them dead. 

So there are things that keep her mind busy, which she’s thankful for. But there are quiet moments, too. 

Quiet moments when she can remember the sound of his laugh, the feeling of holding him in her arms. She can remember running her fingers through his curly, precious hair and pressing a kiss to his forehead. She _remembers_. 

She remembers her son. 

She knows in her head that these memories aren’t real. But she also knows that the emotions that she still feels from them are more real than anything she's ever known, and it makes her hate the Lady all over again for breaking her heart ten times over. 

Not only did the Lady take away her gravity (her Johnny), not only was she trying to kill everyone she loved, not only did she take away the feeling of hope, of freedom, that she’d never felt before in her life. No, she had to take away her son. Her Jaq. 

Her boy, who wasn’t really hers at all. 

In these quiet moments, when she can hear nothing but D’av breathing and her own heartbeat, she swears she can hear her heart breaking. She can certainly feel it breaking, mourning the loss of a son she never really had. 

Sometimes in these moments, she hates D’av just a little bit. Hates him just a little for his right to put Jaq above everything and everyone else. Hates him just a little for his right to love Jaq so loudly, so openly. She doesn’t have that right anymore, and she’d give almost anything to have it back. To have it at all. 

She knows right now he’s as safe as he can be in this shituation, and she’s more than grateful for that. But that means he’s far, far away from her with a woman she’s held animosity towards since the moment their eyes met. With a woman she can openly hate for a multitude of reasons, but now she can only feel envy for. Because she gets to hold him close, kiss his forehead, sing him to sleep. She can be his mother.

These quiet moments remind her of what she can never have, no matter how hard she fights, no matter if she wins or loses this godsdamned war, and she hates it.

She’s promised herself that Jaq will never know this. He’s been through so much in his incredibly short life, and he certainly doesn’t need another broken adult weighing him down with regrets that aren’t his. But in these moments, she dreams about seeing him again, when this is all over. She dreams about pulling him into her arms in the guise of being a concerned and happy ‘aunt’. Dreams about holding her son close, and kissing his forehead one last (first) time. 

And that will have to be enough for now.


End file.
